So close, yet so far

Hey, how have you been? Are you aware how much I miss you? And it hurts how I can’t tell you how I feel as often as I need to. Because I seldom get response. Or if you do, you sound like you don’t wanna say it. I’m hesitant to tell you often, that I love you very much. Because I sometimes feel that you’re sick and tired of hearing that anymore. You don’t seem happy anymore, knowing that I love you this much. It’s so ironic. How you seem so lively talking to me before. But now, we barely talk. Haven’t even received a text message from you since you came back. When before, I receive messages like every now and then. Updating me of how things have been on your end, what you’re doing. But now, it’s starting to go the other way.

Now, things have changed. Though I feel you are so true to the things you told me. That you love me and all. Yet, I sometimes feel that you’re so far away. Can hardly comprehend. Is it just my paranoia? Am I just imagining things?

I hope things would go back to the way it was before. Those days when we were just starting off. Pulling things off so we could be together was never easy even from the start. Even until now. Yet we fought so hard, we were one. But now, we still fight so we can be together. And yet sometimes I feel like we are not doing it as a team.
*sigh*

No matter what will become of us, no matter how things would turn out. I want you to know, that I will always love you.

Unfortunate event

Yeah. I know it’s been too long of not posting anything. I got busy, okay? Let me just say my stories then…

My two seniors was on an outside of the country trip then. Since there were just 6 of us in a team, so the four of us were left in the office to do the never-ending tasks. Plus on that week was the exhibit where we have to display the new technology we have. UNFORTUNATELY (t’was suppose to be fortunate because I was entrusted with a project but I wasn’t proud of the outcome), I was assigned to setup the voip (‘hello, telephone?’ kind’ve thing over the internet). Things were working just fine with the setup in the office, during testings. I was so confident about it. So what I just had to do then was to transfer the setup on the venue of the exhibit. And there’s also this other thing I was tasked to take over. I wasn’t so confident about that, I didn’t know much about it. Yet it has to be included in the exhibit and I had to know all that I can about that thingy.

Then the day came. Everybody was so busy attending to their assigned tasks. As I was doing mine. My budz helped me too as it was difficult walking and running around the place wearing high-heeled sandals and skirt. I set it up. Connected the cables, plugged in to the system, turned on the units, run the server, set the configuration and all. Then it didn’t work. As in not even one unit worked. None of the ip phones can get a dial tone. No, nothing! Checked everything again, over and over. (Hearing side comments from the big boss in the background. Duh! So annoying.) Trace all the possible cause of trouble, none worked. Dam*! I was so frustrated. I even contacted my senior and asked for anything he know how to fix it. All he has told me, I’ve done already. As in all that I know about it. Plus the big boss almost to scold me. Grrr! I felt so stupid. If it wasn’t for the other techs who were comforting me, I would’ve cried out loud.

The next day of the exhibit, I got a little sicky and didn’t make it to work. My other team mate was assigned to manage on the exhibit that day so he checked the stuff. He was able to make it work but it wasn’t stable. I felt like it was all my fault that it didn’t work fine. And that other thing I wasn’t sure about? It worked just fine. It didn’t give me a problem or anything.

*sigh*

That project made me feel so little about myself when it comes to work. It was all I was working for over the last few months and I didn’t make it to the final. It’s the feeling that you’re never gonna be good at anything. And there was no other way I’d make up for that:(

A little less than spider woman, I am

Oh what a silly line I have there. Well, yeah. I love spider man. Heehee.

I have this protruding thingy on my right wris. Whenever people would ask me what it is, I just tell them, “I was trying to slash my pulse but I did it wrong.” And they would just say, “You’re really crazy. Haha.” Sometimes I’d tell them I’m spider woman then show them a pose like squirting out a web. With my palm facing down, since spider man do it with his palm facing up. (With the sound effect, of course.) Yeah, my boss cracked up at that.

Well, it’s a cyst. I once had it under surgery 7 years ago. Few years later it’s back. It missed me, I suppose. I’ve seen 3 surgeons about it though. And they said it’s nothing serious. I can have it removed or not. Hmm… I’m scared of needles, and pain, and spending money a lot. What do you think did I opt to do?… You guessed it right. I didn’t undergo another surgery. I was thinking of saving money first and if I have enough I’ll have it removed then. But something happened…

Last weekend, me and some of the girls at work decided to go drinking at a friend’s place. Wow! We had boracay mix. Then an hour later some of the guys at work came over with a bottle of tiquela. I got buzzed! The next day I went to my place and did a little of the laundry. I went out again to visit a family friend. When I was on my way going back to my place, I noticed that the thingy on my wrist feels a little softer and a bit painful when I touch it. I got a little worried. I was thinking, could it be with the drinking I did, that it melted the cyst away. Or is it with the laundry?

The next day… Working day. It was sooo busy I even forgot about it. Later that night I decided to go see the doctor. And I skipped work the next day to see the doctor. A bit anxious, my heart pounding a little when I arrived at the clinic. The clinic is so tiny. It was divided into 2. One side is the receiving area, the other side is where the doctor attends to the patients. When I got there the doctor is doing a minor surgery. He was circumcising a kid. I can clearly hear the kid screaming and shouting out of pain. And I was thinking, If the doctor would say I’d have to undergo a surgery, damn! I don’t think I can handle it alone. Inside the operating room!

The doctor had to go to the in-patients after that. So I had to wait longer before knowing what to do with the little thingy on my wrist. When the doctor came back, few more patients he attended to before my turn. Now it was my turn. I was trembling a little bit explaining to the doctor what happened. He was just relaxed! Whew. He said it popped out the cystic fluid and scattered that’s why my hand is a little swelling. (You can hardly notice it though unless you really look at it.) We talked a little bit more about it and I’m done. What a relief! I still have the little thingy but it’s the tiny one that’s left. It may grow bigger but I hope it won’t go anything serious.

Off me, please!

I need a real good bang in the head. These thoughts- they need to go away. They’re not making things any better. If I ever slam my head on the wall, will these stupid thoughts go away? I seem to be needing selective amnesia. Just so these thoughts go away. Why can’t I just get them off my head? They follow me. Anywhere, no matter what I do… No! They don’t follow me! They’re in me. Entirely all over me. When I’m at work it’s like working in between entertaining these thoughts. It’s so annoying. When I eat, shower, watch TV, sleep… Even when I’m at a paintball or badminton game. I’ve done things I possibly can just to divert my attention. For a moment it’d work. Then something would came and leads me back to it. OMG! This has got to stop. You stupid thought! Let me just go, please. Let me just liberate myself from you. I’m stuck in here… Well, yeah. Sometimes they do make me smile. Especially when it’s the happy ones. But I shouldn’t be thinking of them anymore. Happy or sad, they just have to let me go. Can you tell them, please? I’m quite sure that these thoughts are not so bothered about me. I’m just so bothered with them, they get me all so confused. They make me scared with a lot of things. It can’t be just like this for the rest of my life, right? (as if it’s life i’m living).. … Gosh! If I only knew this is the price of aiming to be happy. Now I know, can’t afford the price.

Could it be possible to have a brain transplant? They’re just in the memory, right? So if I get brain transplant they go away with my brain.

*sigh* *sigh* *sigh*

I think I need an overhaul, reformat, upgrade, debug. etc… Everything! Just to clear my thoughts. Free my thoughts from these trash. Oh my! Help your self. Grrr!

Sometimes, I think that it pays great to know nothing. To just know a little, to be dumb. In that way, you would get damaged only a bit.

Truly winning

There were 4 people. A man, woman, who are lovers. A woman, who tried to laugh behind the pain. A man, who tried to keep himself together seeing the woman he wished to be with, right on his face with the man she chose to love.

The lovers on the other side of the court. And the weepers on the other end. The cock flew to wherever the batting would lead it. Each player keeping focus not let the cock touch the ground or lose it to the opponents’ delight. Until the game was over. The winning team: the lovers.

But what was truly winning was that, that man with his heart broken, seems invincible. How could he stay in the game with himself in composure witnessing scenarios he wished to be a part of? How could he, with each and every day of his life bear to see these two people happy together? When it was supposed to be he as the lucky man. And now, the  game is finally over. With flying colors, I suppose. Great job, dude! Salute.

.…forever is just the exaggeration of a long wait – waiting beyond imagination…5.17.’07

D’First One

5.15.’07

Hey, hey, hey! Wow. Isn’t this great? This is going to be my first blog after a looonnggg while of not posting anything. And my first for this site as well…Ok. Let me tell you the story as to why and how I’m into posting blogs again. I talked to a friend over IM today for just a couple of minutes (as we were both busy with work). It’s her birthday today, btw. Happy birthday shane! She asked if I have blogs and I realize I don’t. (Well, I had blogs a long time ago and it feels like I’ve never done anything at all about it.) She gave me the link to her blogs and I thought of having a place for the silly stuff I wrote on my crampy notebook (OMG! I don’t even remember where that thingy is.) and for other silly stuff to come.

Hmmm… How do I start? Gosh. There’s just so much in my mind. Too many that I don’t know which one should come first… Ok. Hey self! Bear with me…

Oh, ok. Here’s one reason as to why I want to post blogs. With the things that happened to me everyday, things that pop into my mind, anything that I do- silly, stupid, naughty, crazy, dumb thoughts and deeds- I usually tell those to someone. My best-est friend, I should say. But I don’t have that person anymore. Even if I want to, no matter what I do. That person is no longer there, doesn’t want to be around. Not anymore. Yet here’s myself anyway. I can just converse with myself, can’t I? (Yeah, I know that sounds pathetic. And I have no choice.) Hmmm… I think I’m imagining my post as myself. So I’m talking to myself. Hello self! Feeling weird today? =)

To the readers who are not myself, just bear with myself. You might not find anything interesting with the things I will be posting, but I just need this. I apologize in advance for the poor grammar, profanity (I hope there would be none. Myself will try.), unkind words, boring ideas, mellow dramatic thoughts, insignificant details, and all the lame things there can be.

Happy blog posting everyone!

*Damn! This pad I’m writing on, is the same pad I use before to write my email drafts and write ups. Huh?!